Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
You Might Also Like
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
im all 3
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now