I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.