My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don鈥檛 have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Editor: What鈥檚 the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 portmantotally malapropriate.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she鈥檚 pregnant and she鈥檚 not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
It鈥檚 no longer a Twittercide, it鈥檚 Xterminated.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock 鈥榥 roll hair
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My kids used to love the voice characters I鈥檝e created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.