I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
😂😂😂
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung