This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Yup
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Support your local cemetery
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
my favorite genre of twitter
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.