I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.