texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that