Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…