I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.