How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
the clam before the storm
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.