What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning