My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly