Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
socratic questions
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.