My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees