[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.