INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
You Might Also Like
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?