Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
You Might Also Like
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Thank you corporation very cool
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.