I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You Might Also Like
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
bias laundering edition
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.