[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”