don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
How I like cutting carbs
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?