I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Netflix and you sit over there.