Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.