“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”