“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
same bro
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?