The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night