I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles