Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You Might Also Like
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Art by Pastelkatto
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.