If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Finally!
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.