I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.