Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You Might Also Like
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh