“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
plant them where lol
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I occasionally drink every single night.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf