i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice