I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.