I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.