2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”