me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m awake but I object,
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me