Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire