Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.