One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Lmao
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m too immature for adultery.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty