Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
🥶🥶🐶🐶
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard