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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end