I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
You Might Also Like
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.