Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
uh oh
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
When did white people become such fucking pussies?