Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.