🙂🐾
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it