I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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#Caturday
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
.. do you even science?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.