Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait