I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
What even happened today?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.