Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Simple
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy