I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.